He was staggering forward.
Exerted to the point of complete exhaustion as he was, he mustered all his strength and floundered on. His face was pallid and covered in perspiration, his muscles were straining themselves, as each step he took required every last ounce of his vigour. His unprotected feet had sprouted blisters from the scorching coarseness of the sand.
He vaguely wondered if he was walking on fiery coal.
He pushed aside the thought, for he had more pressing matters at hand…he had to get to the place he father had never, ever been to…he had to slay his father’s reputation… he had to distinguish himself as the most intrepid traveller the world has ever had.
He had been brave enough to take up this insurmountable task of solely walking across the most dangerous desert on earth.
Little did he know that it would put him through a fatal turn of consequences.
Little did he know that he would be so unfortunate as to lose his way.
Little did he know, in his revelry of future fame that he probably would never get, he would be walking to his death.
A very thirsty death.
That reminded him – he needed water. Water.
His throat was getting drier by the second, he felt as if some invisible machine was sucking out every last drop of water from his body. His thoughts were turning hazy and so was his vision. He grappled with his mind, trying to put his train of thoughts into place.
He could see nothing around, let alone his last hope of life – an oasis. Everything was whirling around, his throat was starting to be strangled by an invisible, yet extremely strong hand. He was being consumed by the insufferable thirst that had blighted him, slowly. It was spreading like venom through his body. He began to realise he hadn’t much time.
He looked around once more; a wave of realisation overcame him. Regret, guilt and shame unveiled their voracious selves in him.
As he began to regret his recklessness, his lust for fame and his desire to be beheld as a much more fearless traveller than his father, everything around him spiralled and swirled…slowly…
To nothingness.
-Sruthi.
*****
Inspired by the Daily Prompt: Desert
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/desert/
Please do comment below and leave your precious suggestions and critique!
Sruthi's blog 
Good descriptions, Sruthi! I wonder why he felt compelled to compete with his father’s reputation … that would make an interesting back story!
While you have excellent vocabulary and some very compelling descriptions, I would like to suggest the following corrections:
In this sentence, “Little did he know, in his revelry of future fame that he probably would never get, he would be walking to his death,” the word revelry is clearly an error of usage. Did you mean reverie? As in dream? If you meant “dream,” just use the word “dream.” It’s a beautiful word, and needs to not have a synonym.
In the sentence, “As he began to regret his recklessness, his lust for fame and his desire to be beholden as a much more fearless traveller than his father, everything around him spiralled and swirled…slowly…” I think you meant to use the word “beheld,” instead of “beholden.” “Beholden” has a completely different meaning from “beheld.” Consult a dictionary.
And in general, if you’re using figurative language, don’t mix metaphors, unless you’re doing it with tongue-in-cheek!
Hope you don’t mind such detailed feedback. I see promise in your writing, and felt impelled to share my thoughts.
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Thank you very much for the suggestions! For an amateur writer, these little bits of correction are highly valuable. I don’t mind them at all.
I actually used revelry as the noun form of ‘revel’. What I actually wanted to express was that he was ‘revelling’ in the fame that he thought he would achieve in his future.
As for the beholden, I erred awfully there…will change it soon!
Thank you once again!
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A bit of research tells me I was wrong with the noun form of ‘revel’ too! But I can’t find the correct form! Could you, please, help me with that?
Also, that was a priceless feedback. Thank you very much for your time!
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You’re most welcome!
If he was revelling in the contemplation of fame (or something like that), you might perhaps use it like this (I’ve changed more words than just “revel”):
“Little did he know, as he … revelled in the contemplation … of a fame that he probably would never attain, he would be walking to his death.”
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For what it’s worth, I like this ending better. the story ends with his life, and that seems somehow where it ought to end 🙂
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Nice descriptions of the landscape and his sensations. If you really, really want a suggestion, how about cutting the last line to avoid the omniscient being telling the reader what is more or less obvious? I’d be inclined to describe his failing thoughts which might well be that he feels he is being devoured, and end it with ‘to nothingness’.
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Thank you very much for the suggestion! Something like that from a writer, I consider it to be priceless. I will change it straight away…:)
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Only change it if you think it works better that way! I’m trying to get better at writing short fiction, and one of the things I do is cut out as much of the text as I can that isn’t essential, and paint the same picture using fewer words. It’s tricky 🙂
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I actually think it sounds better now! Thanks again! And yes, it’s so tricky that I give up most of the time. 🙂
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Don’t! Everything comes with practice 🙂
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Thank you very much for the motivation!
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I admire your writing style…! 🙂
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Thank you very much!
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